On hiatus

until the book is finished. I WILL BE BACK!!!! Deadline for draft 18 October 2010, then the conference - work after that depends on HOW MANY OFFERS I GET AND WHEN THE MOVIE RIGHTS ARE SOLD! Cross fingers, toes, and eyes please.

In case you don't want to travel....

8 April 2010

To Porn or not to Porn? That is the question (today).

This topic has so many permutations that I want to be very clear what I’m talking about today. I am not talking about anything that remotely involves, resembles, or touches on children, teenagers, or involves harm to another person in any fashion, nor am I addressing the subject of addiction to pornography. Are we clear? All right then…

Men and women experience pornography/erotica differently. They use it differently. They have different reactions to the various types of pornography. This is normal.

For the most part, men prefer the ‘give it to me straight’ approach – naked bodies performing sexual acts. No dialogue is necessary. That then aids them in performing the solitary act of sexual satisfaction, or in some cases, when they find a woman who also enjoys this genre of pornography – the mutual act of sex.

I don’t know what pornography is but “I know it when I see it.” This quote is from the opinion offered up by Supreme Court justice Potter Stewart (Jacobellis v. Ohio, 1964) which is now, according to the adorable husband (which shows just how up to date I’m not on the subject) no longer applicable, as pornography is legal.

I actually knew it on some level, as it was my daughter who introduced me to the erotica site, Literotica, some years ago. But I don’t think I thought of it as “porn” in the sense that Justice Stewart meant it.

Literotica, which I recommend for women, is a site that is in the main – erotic stories offered in a variety of categories. There are links there to various pornography sites that have photographic and video images, not my cup of tea.

And I think that may be true in the main of women in general, that we prefer the illusion rather than the explicit. We work more on imagination and suggestion than the raw (and I do mean raw) form of naked people performing sexual acts on each other with all the sensuality and conviction of a bad salt mining operation. I’m citing some sources for you.

This study, which used male and female university students, showed that women reacted in a positive manner to X-rated videos made by women for women. And I understand that there is a market out there now – yes, I know because we looked. Movies like Quills and The Secretary are very erotic, and I find them quite stimulating. ..ahem.

My reaction to the straight sex video brought home was the hysterical giggles – not the response the adorable husband was looking for but hey, he started laughing too! My response to the video made with a specific alternate form of entry was “ew” – not because I have any trouble with that particular experimentation but rather the presentation was such that it left me with an icky impression in my brain that took days to get out!

As the adorable husband said, “I don’t think porn is going to play a part in our sex life, but on the other hand it’s not like you need anything to get you going (yes, breathing does it) and you don’t have any problem with my viewing it on occasion.” And I don’t. I think it perfectly normal for a man to enjoy pornography; and yes, I do know that for some it is a problem – but that’s another article.

I think pornography, or I prefer erotica, can help a sexual relationship by stimulating the parties and by giving you some new ideas – that never hurts. I don’t find it intimidating and it doesn’t make me feel that if my partner wants to watch it on occasion that means I am lacking in any way.

On the other hand I’m reading John Ringo’s techno military series 0’Kildar and that has apparently (I’m going by the rave reviews here people) affected my performance of one particular sex act…

OSTED BY DR. MICHAEL ROIZEN
Men's orgasms are easy to understand because they're external. But a woman's orgasm can be more mysterious than a Dean Koontz book. That's because many of us really don't understand what's happening physiologically.

Essentially, when a woman is stimulated to the point of orgasm, the uterine walls contract, and she can experience rhythmic, muscular contractions of the uterus, vagina, and clitoris.

But every woman is different. For some, it may feel like a typhoon. For others, it may feel like nothing more than a momentary flutter. But here's what many men have a hard time understanding: Because they can't imagine sex without an orgasm, many men can't appreciate that women can enjoy sex without having one.

So instead of trying to make the final destination a female orgasm, men should concentrate on ensuring that women enjoy the interaction. Some women don't have to orgasm at all to enjoy sex, and some can easily have multiple orgasms. Absence of an orgasm doesn't mean failure, but absence of arousal usually does.

What do you think?

TODAY

my new article on Pornography is on Powder Room Graffiti; please go over read and comment. Thank you.

Mayo Clinic staff

How can you maintain a satisfying sex life as you age?
When confronted with the physical and emotional changes of aging, you may feel as ill-prepared and awkward about sex as you did during your first sexual experiences. To maintain a satisfying sex life, talk with your partner. Set aside time to be sensual and sexual together. When you're spending intimate time with your partner, share your thoughts about lovemaking. Tell your partner what you want from him or her. Be honest about what you're experiencing physically and emotionally.
Many couples want to know how to get back to the sexual arousal and activity levels they experienced in their 20s, 30s and early 40s. Instead, find ways to optimize your body's response for sexual experiences now. Ask yourselves what's satisfying and mutually acceptable.

How does aging affect men's sexual health?
Testosterone plays a critical role in a man's sexual experience. Testosterone levels peak in the late teens and then gradually decline. Most men notice a difference in their sexual response by age 60 to 65. The penis may take longer to become erect, and erections may not be as firm. It may take longer to achieve full arousal and to have orgasmic and ejaculatory experiences. Erectile dysfunction also becomes more common. Drugs such as sildenafil (Viagra), vardenafil (Levitra) and tadalafil (Cialis) can help men achieve or sustain an adequate erection for sexual activity.

How does aging impact women's sexual health?
As a woman approaches menopause, estrogen production decreases. As a result, most women have less natural vaginal lubrication, which can affect sexual pleasure. Women may experience emotional changes as well. While some women may enjoy sex more without worrying about pregnancy, naturally occurring changes in body shape and size may cause others to feel less sexually desirable.

What medical conditions can cause sexual health concerns?
Any condition that affects general health and well-being also affects sexual function. Illnesses that involve the cardiovascular system, high blood pressure, diabetes, hormonal problems, depression or anxiety — and the medications used to treat these conditions — can pose potential sexual health concerns.
High blood pressure, for instance, can affect your ability to become aroused, as can certain medications used to treat high blood pressure.

What can you do if medications negatively affect your sexual health?
Certain medications can inhibit your sexual response, including your desire for sex, your ability to become aroused and your orgasmic function. If you're experiencing sexual side effects from a medication, consult your doctor. It may be possible to switch to a different medication with fewer sexual side effects.
Don't let embarrassment keep you from asking your doctor for help — and don't stop taking prescribed medication before discussing it with your doctor. If you take several medications, each of which can have a different effect on your sexual function, try varying the type of sexual activity you engage in and how you approach it.

MORE magazine
Dana Delany, who turned 54 last week, says marriage is not a priority at this point, but she definitely enjoys sex, she says in the new issue of More magazine.
"Here's the difference after 50: Your hormones change," the Desperate Housewives star explains. " So much of our lives is driven by hormones – sexual, procreative hormones. Believe me, I'm still very sexual, but I'm sexual in a much more energetic, spiritual sense, which is deeper and more fun."
"I had times with people where it was ego-driven or where you just wanted to have an orgasm. It was like, 'Let's get to the endgame'" But now, she says, "Great sex means it can go on for hours – and I'm not talking like Sting. Poor Sting has been so misquoted. But, you know, you take a break. You eat something. You talk, you laugh, you hang out. It's ongoing and it's sexy, and your whole life can be like that. Of course, you end up having a lot of orgasms, which is a bonus.'"


Reader’s Digest Online

Judging from the images the popular media puts forth, you'd think sex was only for twenty somethings. Nothing is further from the truth. Sex at midlife and beyond is a subject mired in confusion and misinformation. Here are some common myths, and the straight story about sex after 50.

Fiction: Beyond a certain age, people have little interest in sex.
Fact: There is no age limit on sexuality, but for people age 50 and over, sexual satisfaction depends more on the overall quality of the relationship than it does for younger couples. A National Council on Aging survey reports that among people age 60 and over who have regular intercourse, 74 percent of the men and 70 percent of the women find their sex lives more satisfying than when they were in their forties.

Fiction: As a man ages, he loses his ability to get an erection.
Fact: Aging itself is not a cause of erectile dysfunction. However, diminishing hormone levels do precipitate some changes. A man may need more physical stimulation to become aroused, and his erection may not be quite as firm as when he was younger -- but sex is no less pleasurable. While a 25-year-old man might be able to get a second erection as quickly as fifteen minutes after an ejaculation, a 50-year-old man might need several hours.

Fiction: Emotional and psychological factors are responsible for a woman's lack of interest in sex at midlife and beyond.
Fact: Physical factors can play an even larger role. Hormonal changes at menopause can affect a woman's sexual response. Low estrogen levels can result in vaginal dryness, causing discomfort during sex. And in some women, lower testosterone levels can mean a lack of energy and a weaker sex drive. Other women find their interest in sex increases after menopause, due, in part, to a shift in the ratio of testosterone to estrogen and progesterone.

Fiction: A woman loses her ability to have orgasms as she ages.
Fact: Many women find increased sexual pleasure after menopause, including more frequent or more intense orgasms.

Fiction: Masturbation diminishes your ability to enjoy sex with a partner.
Fact: Masturbation can increase sexual pleasure, both with and without a partner. For women, it helps keep vaginal tissues moist and elastic and boosts hormone levels, which fuels sex drive. For men, it helps maintain erectile response.

Fiction: A man's inability to get an erection is most likely the result of an emotional problem.
Fact: Actually, physical causes -- such as circulation problems, prostate disorders, and side effects associated with prescription medications -- account for 85 percent of erectile difficulties.

Fiction: Couples at midlife and beyond who don't have regular sex have lost interest in sex or in each other.
Fact: When older couples don't have regular sex, it's usually because one partner has an illness or disability.

Of course, it's true that sex isn't going to stay exactly the same as you age. But the changes that take place aren't all negative. Once a woman is past menopause and no longer concerned about pregnancy, many couples find it easier to relax and look forward to lovemaking. And partners who are retired or working only part time often have more time and energy for each other, for making love as well as pursuing other shared activities.

By midlife, you know your own body and your partner's intimately, and, hopefully, you've figured out how to communicate what you find pleasurable. It's likely that you've shed any sexual inhibitions, and your sexual confidence and experience probably result in better sex for both of you. Just as important, sex may be more emotionally fulfilling because now it is driven less by hormones and more by the desire to share yourself with someone who loves you. Sex after age 65 may take place less often, but many find it becomes more gratifying than ever.


Now for my bit – I feel qualified to speak as a layman expert since I am 59-years old and I am having great sex really often (see the redhead smiling).

I do think it is important for those of us of a certain age to be aware of health issues, the normal wear and tear, and changes that a body goes through from aging BUT, and it’s a big one, the ‘norm’ does not have to determine our individual sexual activity. Let’s hear it for a good gene pool.

Personally all my sexual organs are in good working order, but – because of some anatomical weirdness having frequent and vigorous sex (once I got started again!) causes me to have frequent bladder infections unless I stay on a daily low dose, bladder specific antibiotic. I take the meds and I have no trouble, but boyo – if I skip a day, ouch! I say this to demonstrate that we all most likely have some adjustments we have to make and pay attention to in order to have a better than satisfactory sex life at this stage of life.

Exercise, and Kali knows I hate this truth, is the one most important activity we can participate in daily that will not only improve our health, and slow aging, but will increase our ability to have great sex and to enjoy it. Granted if you’re doing it right, sex is a great cardiovascular exercise but if you are not in shape you are less able to continue longer, and less able to participate in more strenuous positions.

I think exercise also makes us feel more attractive and much of good sex is a head game so…

If for any reason one partner or the other is having trouble performing, or enjoying making love – I would certainly say see your doctor first. There seems to be no shortage on the market for aids for erectile dysfunction, and/or vaginal dryness.

I do not as yet, logic says that at some time down the road I will, have a problem with vaginal dryness. I’ve already researched and found two good products – Replens and K-Y LiquiBeads. I like them both because they can be inserted (like a vaginal suppository) for 24 hours to a couple of days before you have intercourse and are still effective – that leaves the spontaneous factor in play. I keep a supply in my drawer for just in case, same as I do with band-aids in case of a blister from running. It’s not only Boy Scouts that need to be prepared.

The one factor that is easier at this age, and makes sex more intense is the ability to talk about it – both the joys and the problems. It is very important to let your partner know when something is working, as well as when it is not. Some matters are best discussed while not engaged in the act, others are more clearly demonstrated while in the moment. But I can guarantee you that if you have an ongoing dialogue about your sex life it will be improved.

Humor, I find necessary for a happy life and essential for a great sex life. I told my child when she was at the stage to hear such things, to never have sex twice with a man who did not laugh in bed. If you can’t have a sense of humor about sex, what can you find funny? I mean really, no matter how physically attractive the participants, the positions one finds oneself in are fairly comical. I myself have had the episode of the flying condom – let your imaginations run free.

And fantasy can play a big part of an active and enjoyable lovemaking partnership, as well as sex toys. Mink glove anyone? The pirate and the captured maiden? And some fantasies work simply by talking about the possibility of the scenario. You don’t actually have to have those gorgeous twins over to participate in your love making in order to have the idea add some titillation and spice to your afternoon eh?

I’m also a big believer in using all the furniture possible. There is a lot of good use you can make of a couch, an over stuffed chair, or an ottoman. When we were young it was all about how fast you could get your clothes off and get to it – now it’s much more about taking your time and getting maximum enjoyment from the act.

I have read the two biggest reasons people get divorced are sex and money – and the reason for that is that they don’t TALK ABOUT THEM. If I do nothing else I hope this blog will shed some light for someone on the fact that sex is fun, loving, respectable, and something that not only can, but should be talked about – a great deal.

How NOT to have happy sex....

I stole this from Dulwichmum who got it from somewhere else... If you click on the photograph you can enlarge to read it - sit down first. The "small moan" has got to be my favourite.

Comfort Sex

There’s all kinds of sex – the ‘hot and lusty’ (oh my), the ’it’s been three days’ (quick, get your clothes off we have to get up in the morning), the ‘backseat of the taxi we are on vacation’, the ‘we could go to the museum or I could give you a blow job’ afternoon sex, the ‘I know the children are downstairs but I just looked at you and I can’t wait..if we are quiet…,’ the ‘what are you doing with your hand?’, the ‘we are on vacation and we have all day’, and then there is the pure love of ‘comfort sex’.

I can’t think of anyway to help you. I don’t know what to say to make your pain better. I can just hold you, or if you want I can be as close to you as I can become – that is the comfort one loving being can give to another. But a smart man, or woman, waits to be asked yes? When you are confronting deep, old pain without a cure you must tread carefully.

Never before have I wanted to have another human even near me during this time. I grieve alone. I normally physically and mentally retreat until I can stand the light of the world again, and last year was no exception even though the adorable husband was here. Perhaps it is a change or perhaps it is just the need to have someone fill the huge empty space, but this year I wanted him to fill me up with something that wasn’t misery, something that was loving and not painful. It says I think, how much I trust him. How precious is that to each of us?

And so I asked him, “Would you make love to me please?” And he did in a slow, gentle, dance of wrapping himself around my pain while not touching it. There was a prelude of sweet, then more insistent kisses, with the gentle feel of his hands playing over my body and bringing me to life. When he entered me with his eyes holding mine I felt a release of some of the torment and the tears that fell were of gratitude not pain.

It was a gift. A gift of love that started bringing me back to the world. And then yesterday we had ‘we could go to the museum or I could give you a blow job’ sex – that all began with a silk scarf….. fill in your own pictures at this point lovely readers.

Ciao – and thank you for waiting.

to the presses...

I have more sex for you! Writing the rough draft today, will edit tomorrow, and have it on by Sunday if all goes according to plan. Meanwhile I'm doing some real time research - can't write what you don't know right?

As you know I've had a long run on the migraines the past month or so, had a break, then it was back. Yesterday was the sleep deprived EEG at Hermann Hospital where the tech Jennie was very nice; and last night between taking the children out to a birthday dinner for my stepdaughter, and going back downstairs to visit - there was the unplanned hot lustful sex! The adorable husband was reading all the signals (been too many days!) and I figured I was only going to take some drugs to kill the pain building in my head and sleep anyway.... And I"m sure I read somewhere that orgasms are good for a headache. That sounds right yes?

There was of course the distracting effort of attempting not to make the headboard slam against the wall, and the gritting of teeth to repress the screams since the children were in the house and we (I told you it was spontaneous!) had not turned on the television to provide a sound cover. So I'm feeling better today, still tired from the night without sleep but nice and a bit sore in all the right places.

If you can please go over to Powder Room Graffiti where I have an article today about how the adorable husband and I were reunited.