There’s all kinds of sex – the ‘hot and lusty’ (oh my), the ’it’s been three days’ (quick, get your clothes off we have to get up in the morning), the ‘backseat of the taxi we are on vacation’, the ‘we could go to the museum or I could give you a blow job’ afternoon sex, the ‘I know the children are downstairs but I just looked at you and I can’t wait..if we are quiet…,’ the ‘what are you doing with your hand?’, the ‘we are on vacation and we have all day’, and then there is the pure love of ‘comfort sex’.
I can’t think of anyway to help you. I don’t know what to say to make your pain better. I can just hold you, or if you want I can be as close to you as I can become – that is the comfort one loving being can give to another. But a smart man, or woman, waits to be asked yes? When you are confronting deep, old pain without a cure you must tread carefully.
Never before have I wanted to have another human even near me during this time. I grieve alone. I normally physically and mentally retreat until I can stand the light of the world again, and last year was no exception even though the adorable husband was here. Perhaps it is a change or perhaps it is just the need to have someone fill the huge empty space, but this year I wanted him to fill me up with something that wasn’t misery, something that was loving and not painful. It says I think, how much I trust him. How precious is that to each of us?
And so I asked him, “Would you make love to me please?” And he did in a slow, gentle, dance of wrapping himself around my pain while not touching it. There was a prelude of sweet, then more insistent kisses, with the gentle feel of his hands playing over my body and bringing me to life. When he entered me with his eyes holding mine I felt a release of some of the torment and the tears that fell were of gratitude not pain.
It was a gift. A gift of love that started bringing me back to the world. And then yesterday we had ‘we could go to the museum or I could give you a blow job’ sex – that all began with a silk scarf….. fill in your own pictures at this point lovely readers.
Ciao – and thank you for waiting.